Source: JSB Co. / Not published
Conflict is a natural part of any relationship. Whether it’s a minor disagreement about what to watch on TV or a heated debate about personal values, these moments of disagreement can make us feel uncomfortable.
According to Fritz Heider’s classic “balance theory”, this discomfort may stem from a deep-seated need for consistency and alignment in relationships. People crave harmony in their attitudes and values, and when inconsistency arises it can upset the balance we try to maintain with those we care about.
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships in November 2024 explored how people respond to such inconsistencies in relationships. When confronted with differences, the research shows, individuals are likely to respond in three ways: by conforming and agreeing with the other, by seeking their validation, or by distancing themselves altogether. These strategies reveal a lot about how we protect both our relationships and our sense of self. Here’s how they work.
1. Conform
Conforming means adapting your own beliefs or behavior to those of someone else. While this may sound like “giving in,” it is often an unconscious attempt to maintain the relationship. Researchers suggest that when people perceive their own beliefs or identity as flexible, they are more likely to conform to avoid conflict.
For example, imagine starting a new job and discovering that your team has a strong preference for a collaborative work style, while you have always preferred working independently. You may adapt to the group’s approach not because you have given up your preference, but because you want to fit in and maintain harmony.
Researchers suggest that this approach reflects the ‘chameleon effect’, which involves individuals unconsciously imitate others to promote connection, especially when interacting with someone new.
However, you are less likely to conform if the belief in question is at the core of your identity. For example, it is unlikely that you would change your position on a deeply held moral value, such as pro-life or pro-choice, just to fit someone else’s perspective.
In fact, researchers found that cross-culturally, conformity is the least preferred response because it is often not a satisfying solution and can still strain the relationship in the long run.
2. Seek validation
Looking for validation is another way people resolve relationship conflicts. Rather than adjusting their beliefs, individuals advocate for their perspective and try to influence others to see things their way. This is especially common when a person’s identity or opinion seems set, but he or she finds the relationship worth preserving.
Consider a couple debating the benefits of a vegan lifestyle. One partner, a passionate environmentalist, can present research, share personal stories, and seek validation from their partner, who is a committed meat eater. This approach is not just about ‘winning’ an argument; it is about aligning values to maintain relational harmony.
Interestingly enough, seeking validation does not always involve direct confrontation. People may turn to third parties – friends, family or even social media – to confirm their position. This external validation can ease the discomfort of inconsistency in relationships and provide more confidence to work through the disagreement.
3. Distancing yourself
When neither conformity nor validation seems feasible, some individuals choose to distance themselves from the source of the conflict.
“By reframing the closeness, and therefore importance, of a relationship, one can reduce its dissonance. Distancing can range from extreme measures (e.g. irrevocably breaking off the relationship) to a much milder response (e.g. temporarily limiting communication),” the researchers explain.
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For example, imagine discovering that a distant relative holds political views that conflict with yours. If the relationship is not close, you may avoid discussing politics altogether or limit interactions at family gatherings. On the other hand, if the disagreement involves a close friend, distancing yourself may feel more complex. You can temporarily take a step back, hoping that the tension will disappear over time.
Distancing is more common when people view relationships as highly ‘mobile’ or expendable. In cultures or social contexts where relationships are perceived as less fluid, distancing is less common because the stakes of losing a connection are higher.
Understanding these strategies can help us recognize how we respond to relationship conflict and why. Each approach has its place and can be adaptive (or potentially harmful) depending on the context.
For example, conformity may work well for temporary or low-stakes disagreements, such as adjusting to a friend’s musical tastes on a short road trip, but not for a serious long-term relationship problem, such as a disagreement about having children .
Likewise, seeking validation may be necessary to better align values, but it can also drive people away if they feel forced to conform to you. Distancing can also protect your emotional well-being in relationships that feel irreparable or even harmful, but can be useless in conflicts that could benefit greatly from even a single, albeit uncomfortable, conversation.
Moreover, the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships research highlights an unexpected benefit of inconsistency in relationships: it can challenge us to reexamine our beliefs and attitudes, making us more open to diverse perspectives. This is why conflict, when approached with curiosity, can reveal blind spots in our beliefs and even strengthen our bonds with others.
“Imagine an individual has a single negative interaction with a new colleague. They make internal attributions and assume that this colleague is a rude person. If they then notice that this perspective is inconsistent with that of all their other colleagues, they may feel inconsistent and therefore change this belief. To do this, they may instead rely on an external attribution (for example, maybe their colleague was having a bad day),” the researchers explain.
Conflict doesn’t have to signal the end of a relationship. Instead, it offers a powerful opportunity for growth. The key is to evaluate what matters most – your values, your relationship, or both – and choose the response that aligns with your deepest priorities.
A version of this post also appears on Forbes.com.
