People do not thrive in isolation. We thrive when we recognize our interconnectedness with others. Today, loneliness is an epidemic in our society today. Our health and well-being suffer when we miss close, intimate connections.
Since happiness depends so much on creating harmonious relationships, you would think it would be easy to work with others to meet this basic human need. But as I often remind my psychotherapy clients, it is simple – but not easy.
Here are four keys to creating the rich and fulfilling relationships we desire.
1. Acknowledge our true desires
Many of us feel uncomfortable admitting our need for love and intimacy. We equate strength with independence, convinced that it is only a virtue. We view our vulnerability as a weakness. Believing that when we demonstrate our need for acceptance and connection, others will recoil in horror – treating us as pathetic for not standing on our own two feet.
But whether we recognize it or not, we can only thrive if we selectively lower our defenses and allow others to truly see us and know us.
2.. Let others see us
The joy of intimate connections begins when we are willing to reveal ourselves to people we trust – or those we feel we can trust. Ask yourself: Do you want to be seen by others? Do you want people to know you or hide you for fear that if someone actually saw you, they would reject you?
We open a door to be seen by showing our authentic feelings and needs. But this can be difficult if, in the past, showing our true emotions has led to us being judged, shamed, or rejected. If so, we may have relinquished our real selves and true feelings, instead choosing a version that we think (or hope) will earn love and acceptance. Over time, we can fabricate an identity to protect ourselves from the painful criticism sent by our authentic self.
3. Being intimate with ourselves
Intimacy with others relies on our ability to be intimate with ourselves. We can only reveal feelings and want to be aware. Self-intimacy means being aware of our own experience as it is. Being emotionally honest with ourselves means allowing ourselves to recognize and embrace the full range of our feelings, including our pain, fears, shame and sadness.
Often we only show our secondary feelings. We hurl anger and blame others and mistake it for authenticity, but beneath these reactions lie primal emotions that are more vulnerable and tender. These primal feelings may be unfamiliar or disturbing, yet they are the door to deeper emotional intimacy.
While I write The authentic heart:
“It is only by throwing away contrived models of yourself that you can begin to listen to the quiet messages from your soul that speak through the language called “feelings.” Being in touch with what is truly alive and real within you , creates a climate that allows love and intimacy to thrive… loving relationships require the courage to know – and reveal – your inner heart.”
Gradually, with practice and a lot of ourselves, we can find our sea paws with these tender feelings and express them more openly. Trust and connection flourishing between two people make room for each other’s vulnerabilities. Authentic self – and listen actively with minimal defensiveness.
4. Developing the courage to show ourselves
When teaching workshops and working with my clients, I often emphasize two basic elements for creating satisfying relationships: being aware of what we are experiencing and having the courage to show ourselves. Being willing to be vulnerable requires a unique kind of strength – the strength to be open, to reveal our true feelings and to risk rejection in the process.
Relationships essential reads
It’s helpful to understand why we might feel uncomfortable with ourselves. If our true feelings were criticized and shamed in our past, we have probably learned to protect ourselves with defensive mechanisms. These can include lying, being indirect, analyzing and blaming others, and not taking responsibility for our own behavior.
These defensive postures ultimately push intimacy away.
The winding path to deeper connection begins with the intention to know and accept ourselves as we are. The more we accept and appreciate ourselves, the more others will be attracted to us. As we build this foundation of self-acceptance, both our lives and relationships become richer, more meaningful, and more fulfilling.
© John Amodeo.
