In high school, a school official caught me smoking cigarettes. A few weeks before the end of the school year, I was standing in the parking lot with two friends. Three 17-year-olds in their final days at the bottom of the food chain; we felt invincible. A knock on the car window changed all that.
The director immediately sent us home. Our parents had to come pick us up. My sentence: suspension from the volleyball team and three therapy sessions with the school social worker.
“Therapy?” I remember thinking. “This has to be the worst crime ever to receive such a punishment!” Back then, therapy meant scary. And I was scared.
But I know now that this all happened for a reason. That handful of sessions with the school social worker ended up being my first positive experience with a therapist. It was the first time I could talk about what was going on in my head and some of the scary and confusing things I was experiencing at home without feeling judged or ashamed.
We talked about all kinds of things, but barely touched the subject of nicotine. I wasn’t even a smoker. The behavior was clearly a sign of a deeper problem. She saw everything I couldn’t see yet.
Like many therapists, I studied psychology at university in an attempt to understand – and therefore process – my own trauma by helping others. On the first day of class, a professor did an icebreaker. He asked my class to imagine the person who was available to support us during our worst situation, the one who helped us get through it so we could get to where we are today. He then had us go around the room and talk about this person to break the ice between us.
I panicked. I couldn’t think of anyone. There was no one I could turn to for support during my worst years in high school.
I was about to make an excuse to go to the bathroom and escape my turn on the hot seat, when I remembered this social worker and our three sessions. I survived my turn to speak and avoided the shame of running away.
But this one positive experience would not become the norm. My mental health continued to decline throughout college. I tried a therapist, but he was unaware of trauma and just made me feel terrible. No matter what I said, their advice was to ignore my feelings of shame and anger and “put the past behind you.” This therapist was more than just a bad match: they brought me back to my sanity.
But I didn’t know this yet. I was still convinced that the problem was me. I just had to grow up. I was irritable and angry. I jumped from relationship to relationship, trying to fill the empty hole I was carrying. When that didn’t work and the hole remained empty, I solved it by eating – anything with sugar or salt to fill the void I felt. Meanwhile, this therapist assured me that my behavior was “just a lack of willpower.”
But I knew that not all therapists were disabling, because I had already met one who had been much more supportive: that high school social worker from years before. I decided that I wanted to support survivors and provide them with a better experience than what I was going through. That’s when I knew I wanted to become a therapist.
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Conversations about mental health have become less stigmatized in recent years
Conversations about mental health and trauma are essential to healing, and although we are starting to normalize these in society, there is still a lot of stigma around experiencing them in relationships or families. It’s almost like we can admit that we have trauma or mental health issues, but only as long as no one else was involved.
Therapy is now generally considered less stigmatized than in previous generations, but many groups still experience stigma, especially those with marginalized identities such as LGBTQ or people of color.1,2.4.
In recent decades, progress has been made toward normalizing therapy and other forms of mental health care. Public awareness campaigns, advocacy efforts, and media portrayals of therapy have helped change the conversation about mental health.
Social media has played a role in this de-stigmatization
Without a doubt, social media has probably played a big role in this, with many therapists noticing that younger generations are more aware of mental health issues and more open to seeking help.1.
Platforms like Instagram, TikTok and Twitter have allowed mental health professionals to connect directly with a wide audience, providing a platform for individuals to openly discuss their experiences with mental health issues. Through personal stories, informative videos and expert advice, social media has helped normalize conversations about conditions like anxiety, depression and ADHD, making it easier for people to acknowledge their problems without fear of judgement.1. As a result of this greater openness, therapy has become more normalized, especially among younger people, who now often see it as an essential tool for emotional well-being rather than something to be ashamed of.1.
However, while the stigma surrounding therapy has decreased, some challenges remain, especially in certain communities or among individuals who may experience bias and discrimination in healthcare.2. Mental health issues like anxiety and depression are being discussed more openly, but therapy, especially for issues like trauma, addiction, or family dynamics, can still carry a stigma in some circles.2.3.
I believe that many people unconsciously suffer from trauma wounds and unmet needs. However, in a world that inundates us with violence and traumatic events, the results of this trauma can sometimes be harder to detect because we are desensitized. This gives us an idea of what may be contributing, at least in part, to the cycle of unhealed trauma.
I hope we can continue to move toward conversations that are not about blame (but allow blame where it is due), but about making space for everyone to recognize and build consciousness.
Partially adapted from my book Breaking the cycle: The six stages of healing from childhood family trauma.
To find a therapist who understands family trauma and relationship abuse, visit the Psychology Today Therapy Directory.
