Shame stems from a painful perception of the self as failing, insufficient or defective. The root of the word means covering or hiding. We do our best to hide failures, inadequacy and personal defects, that it rarely prevents us from consciously experiencing shame.
The most common response to implicit shame boards is guilt, denial or avoidance, what is in anger, resentment or distraction. None of these reduces internalized shame. In fact, guilt, denial and avoidance will probably lead to us behaving in ways that cause more shame.
The shame culture
We live in a shame culture. A single look on internet reports platforms reveals dozens of shameful statements. Shaming has replaced conviction as a primary way to deal with disagreements. Personally, I believe that the alarming increase in emotional disorders, especially among young people, is largely due to the frequent prevention of shame behavior.
Shaming as a form of social control has been around since early human history. But it wasn’t always that bad. I am old enough to remember that disagreements were not welcomed with scorn and spot, that we did not want those with whom we were to disagree were totally humiliated, that the media did not use any terms such as ‘mocking’, ‘mocking’ . or ‘attacked on a large scale’. The omnipresence of the internet and cable media has led to an exponential increase in shame behavior, as predicted by the principle of emotional reactivity. The embarrassed shame.
As long as embarrasses remain implicit, we can only try to control anger, resentment or numbness that protect us against painful experiences of shame.
A better choice is to explicit shame boards and to give it rational answers.
Reply to shame reports
Shame is self -rejection. But it’s not an internal punishment; It is a motivation. It is improved by self -acceptance, with motivation to improve, appreciate, connect and protect.
The motto must be:
Accept and improve
We cannot improve what we do not accept.
Because shame is rarely aware, we need certain instructions to know when implicit shame is active. A common sign that implicit shame is sending messages occurs when we feel angry, angry or depressed. That is the time to tease shame boards, to write them down and to give them all an answer.
“I am angry (resentful, numb). What am I ashamed of or do I feel guilty about.”
Note: Do not simply state your shame messages. Rather draw a vertical line on a sheet of paper. Write one shame message on the left side of the line and the answer on the other side. The answer is what we should emphasize.
Shame message: “I am weak, incompetent, awkward, stupid, ugly.”
Answer: “I accept that I have certain weaknesses. I will work hard to correct and compensate them for those I cannot correct. ”
Shame message: “I am helpless, vulnerable, aimless, hopeless. I am a loser. ”
Answer: “I accept that I sometimes feel like this and understand that these feelings encourage me to improve, appreciate, connect and protect.”
Shame message: “I am alienated others. I am not loved, unsuitable for human contact. “
Answer: “I will try to be more compassionate and friendlier.”
Again, simply avoid summarizing shame reports. Each shame message must be linked to an answer. By repeating the process it will get used to it, so with each shame message the answer will appear automatically.
