Hand puppet
Source: Yomare/Pixabay
In this culture, we often view manipulation as an attempt to take advantage of others by controlling or influencing them in unfair, deceptive, or unscrupulous ways. For example, parents sometimes worry that their children are manipulating them into staying up past their bedtime; “Please read one more story, and then I promise I’ll go to sleep.” Teachers often fear that their students are manipulating them to get out of their work, or employers are afraid that their employees are manipulating them to do less work or make more money.
Have you noticed what these situations have in common? In both cases, the person with more power and privilege in a relationship fears that the person who has one will manipulate them to get more for themselves. Rather than recognizing the power differential in the relationship, we tend to treat manipulation as if it reveals serious character pathology and often overlook the interpersonal context. If you search the Internet for “manipulation,” you’ll mainly find warning signs that someone may be trying to manipulate you and advice on creating “better boundaries” to protect yourself.
There is no doubt that manipulation can be a dangerous attempt to take something from you that you do not want to give up and that you do not deserve to lose. However, that is not always the case. Manipulation may also be the only viable strategy for people who do not have access to more immediate means of meeting their needs. If we assume that every instance of manipulation is an attempt to control or take advantage of us, we will often miss the legitimate needs that are indirectly expressed in the form of manipulation. For example, younger children may not have the cognitive ability to verbalize their needs or desires to convincingly convince their parents to let them stay up later. The child begging for just one more song might be trying to take advantage of his parents, or he might be worried about something and could use some extra cuddle time to help him feel ready for sleep.
We actually have two choices. The first option is to live our lives cautiously, expecting that other people will try to take advantage of us and focusing on protecting ourselves by preventing other people from hurting us. This strategy will likely be effective in reducing how often you get injured. The problem is that prioritizing self-protection can give others power over us and turn us into guarded and suspicious people. Moreover, we all have a tendency to find what we are looking for. As Einstein said, “You cannot prevent and prepare for war at the same time.” If you lead with suspicion in our relationships, we are likely to ward off as many truly loving as dangerous interactions. Your defenses will block as many genuinely caring interactions as they protect you from harm.
If you are willing to experiment with less vigilance and less protection, you can view manipulation as an attempt to get your attention, a cry for help. To make this decision, ask yourself, “Is there a legitimate need they are trying to express?” “Do they have a more direct way to ask for what they want or need, or is this the only way?” “Are there ways in which I have indicated that I will not listen or be responsive to their request?” “What is my role in making this person think he has to manipulate me to get what he wants?”
If you decide that the other person is trying to convey a legitimate need, even if you don’t like the way he or she is doing it, consider being more open and curious about what he or she is trying to tell you, rather than more closed off. to be. , listening harder instead of being more guarded and protected.
Taking advantage of someone every now and then is one of the costs I’m willing to pay to be a more open and caring person.
Partially adapted from Hidden in plain sight: How men’s fear of women shapes their intimate relationships. Lasting impact press.
