Feel Deep, Act Wisely | Psychology today

Every emotion is accompanied by an ‘urge for action’. This urge to take action emerges together with the emotion, but is separate from the emotion itself.

When I was going through Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) as a client, I was sometimes baffled by a skill. This one, which separated emotion and action, was a revolution for me. I thought anger and attack were inextricably linked. Sobs and sadness went hand in hand. So many of my emotions came with a tantrum in tow. Are you dealing with that?

In my experience, the emotion and the urge to take action were inextricably linked. Action was a necessary and inevitable outcome of feelings.

And yet…you can disconnect them.

The role of emotions

If we want to work on managing our overwhelming emotions, we must first understand them.

Emotions have many functions. They provide us with information. They communicate with others. And they motivate us to action. This motivation piece is so important.

A pause for choice

Whatever emotions we are feeling, we can pause to make a choice about what to do. This isn’t about not feeling your feelings or never taking action. Sometimes emotions cause an urge to take action that is appropriate to the situation and very skillful.

However, if you leave some space between your emotion and the urge for action, you can choose how you want to respond. When we act on unskillful tendencies, the reality is that it’s not the emotion that ruins things; it is our behavior.

Building awareness

I love this lesson I learned in DBT. DBT mindfulness skills build awareness that gives you a brief but monumental pause between stimulus and response. This is one way mindfulness about your emotions can change your life

Exercises for practicing emotional awareness

Exercise 1: Identifying action urges

When you feel a certain emotion, what do you feel like doing?

Write a list of emotions you are struggling with. What are the associated urges for action that get you into trouble? Be specific. For example:

• When you are hurt, you stop responding to communication.
• When you are sad, you use clumsy means to get support and attention.
• When you are anxious, you mentally beat yourself up and avoid the necessary task.
• When you are overwhelmed by love or joy, you throw away everything else in the search for affection.

These are just examples, not accusations.

Exercise 2: Reflecting on emotional situations

Imagine that you have been in an emotional situation for the past year. Can you evoke the emotion?

Now imagine stepping outside of yourself as if you were watching a movie of that scene. As you watch that scene, ask yourself:

• What was my urge to take action?
• What did I feel like doing?
• What have I done?
• What was the outcome?
• Was it competent?

Now look at the scene and think about your goals in that situation. What would have been more effective than your initial urge to take action?

Exercise 3: Tuning in to emotions and drives

As you go about the day, set reminders on your phone to tune in for:

• What emotion do I feel?
• What is the urge to take action?

This exercise will help you build your mindfulness muscles.

Disconnection of emotion and action

Using mindful awareness, you can recognize the emotion and then pay attention to the urge for action, always remembering that they are separate. Connected, but separated.

The emotion will occur in response to an event or other stimulus. You can’t control that. By becoming the observer of your experience, you increase your ability to observe the urge to act and make a competent decision about it.

A personal story: unlearning conditioned responses

A woman who struggled with anger said:

“My mother taught me to throw plates when I was angry. As a little girl, we would go to the Goodwill and buy old ceramic plates by the dozen. My mother would throw plates at the wall behind the garage when she was angry. Loudly. It was scary. My mother would really get angry at that wall. When I got angry, she would exhort me: ‘Smash them!’ However, I couldn’t control myself very well. I threw and broke things when we were away from the garage. I remember her spanking me when I threw a glass of water across the kitchen to express anger was very specific. I still get so angry that I just have to destroy something. I don’t know how to stop. It scares me how little control I have.

Her mother had taught her that throwing or breaking things was the only way to experience anger. Whenever she experienced anger, she was bound to a plan of action.

It surprised her to realize that these are actually two separate things. Anger is one experience. Throwing things is another thing. Anger can make her want to throw things. But it is not the inevitable result of anger.

Skilled responses to emotions

Marsha Linehan, the creator of dialectical behavior therapy, says:

“People don’t have to rehearse bad behavior. The idea that you have to release anger by smashing or hitting things only reinforces clumsy behavior. The more we rehearse behavior, the more it becomes an automatic response.”

Instead of practicing clumsy behavior, practice skillful responses:

• Use the RAIN meditation to deal with anger.
• Excercise.
• Take a time out.
• Use self-soothing strategies.
• Do the opposite of what you feel like doing, when the opposite would be more effective.

Recognize that you can replace instinctive, conditioned responses with more skillful drives for action.

Mindfulness is the key

But also remember that your urge to attack or hide is sometimes agile, depending on your situation. There is a reason we have this urge for action. The key is to be observant.

DBT offers many other skills that arise from this fundamental awareness. Keep an eye on this blog for more information.