Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, MA
One of the best ways to build a relationship is to waste time with someone.”– The Little Prince
The children are finally asleep.
Galit and I plop down on the couch on the balcony and treat ourselves to a little luxury: a bowl of Ben & Jerry’s Cookie Dough ice cream. (Everyone knows there’s never enough cookie dough in Ben & Jerry’s, which is obviously the best part of the ice cream.)
We dig into the ice cream and suddenly a huge surprise appears: a huge piece of cookie dough, the size of my hand! We’re so excited that we start making up an imaginary story about how this happened.
We imagined a factory worker named Jenkins who, accidentally or otherwise, put in too much cookie dough and as a result was called into the manager’s office and fired. And then his wife left him. And on and on.
This pointless conversation lasted about half an hour. We were completely immersed in playfulness, with no real purpose, just enjoyment.
The randomness of the conversation helped us break away from the usual logistical talk about the kids. It was a direct deposit into our friendship account. Since then, “Jenkins” has become a character in our lives and a kind of secret code word that reminds us not only of that night, but of our shared playfulness and friendship.
Remember those early days of dating, when you had endless hours to talk about your past? About that trip to Europe you took in your twenties? Around that time you were lying to your parents? About the songs you loved in high school?
In the early stages of a relationship, couples spend a lot of time getting to know each other; combine philosophical, romantic and psychological conversations with humor and flirting. But as the years pass and children are born, the partnership takes over the relationship, and suddenly there’s no time to talk about anything other than logistics, kids, finances, and work.
There’s no time to just talk.
Still, one of the best ways to deepen friendship is to “waste time” with someone—yes, waste time on purpose. “Aimless” conversations are the opposite of problematic relational efficiency. They are a way back to friendship, to playfulness, to imagination, to laughter, fun and curiosity.
Carefree conversations create a relational reservoir of playfulness, silliness, and even excess. They expand your relational world with new images, stories, memories, inventions and synergistic creations that will enrich your relationship and serve as shortcuts to intimate friendship. Their arbitrariness reinforces the playful, silly dimension that is so crucial to the freedom of relationships.
As a relationship therapist, I work hard to help couples infuse their relationship with play to strengthen their friendship. This is not crazy stuff, but serious relational work. After all, playing is the lubricant of a relationship and an important ingredient in enriching the friendship therein.
Aren’t you used to just talking nonsense?
No problem.
There are simple ways to promote meaningless conversations and fill the relationship reservoir:
Set a time and place. For couples who aren’t used to hanging out as friends, it can help to schedule time for that and put it on your calendar (yeah, yeah, it may not sound romantic, but it works). You both stop everything, pour a glass of wine (or whatever you like), put on some background music and just chat. Start with five minutes once a week and see how it goes. This is deliberately time for ‘stupid talk’. Let go of heavy or ‘adult’ topics such as logistics, politics or the children. Just go with whatever comes along.
Talk about anything and everything. Discuss what comes up. Water, air, the carpet. “Have you ever noticed how soft this carpet is?” or “Why do we look up more often than down?” Just let your mind wander. Go for what feels right at that moment, and allow yourself to speak without any point. If the topic feels weird, that’s the point. If you need some pointers, I’ve collected 50 dumb questions here to help you get started.
Relationships Essential reading
Don’t get attached to what you say. Because these conversations are meant to be light-hearted, you don’t have to be attached to what you say. If your partner changes the subject, that’s no problem. Stay playful and avoid becoming defensive or aggressive. It’s about staying fluid, spontaneous and present.
Search code words or tags. Once you’ve completed such a playful session, you choose a relational code word or phrase that sums up the moment. It acts as a shortcut to your shared reservoir of pleasure, something you can tap into when times get tough, when you’re tired, hungry, or cranky. It reminds you that the playful connection is still there, and you can return to it whenever you want. For example, my wife and I have “Jenkins”. What could be yours?
If you take the time for aimless conversations, you will find that they are actually very valuable, efficient, and meaningful in maintaining your relationship. Nonsensical time actually lays a strong foundation for a deep and resilient connection.
As the Little Prince suggests, there is special value in ‘wasting time’ together. So the next time you’re ready, just let it go, have an “aimless” conversation and see where it takes you.
Galit Romanelli is a certified relationship coach, PhD candidate and co-director of The potential state.
