Timeouts are a common disciplinary method. Expert sources such as the American Academy of Pediatrics and the US Centers for Disease Control recommend them. But are they really the best way for parents to deal with their children’s difficult behavior?
Here I will briefly summarize two recent episodes of the Your Parenting Mojo podcast, which examines the research on the effectiveness of timeouts and alternative practices that promote family collaboration and child growth.
What are timeouts?
Time-out is short for “positive reinforcement time-out,” a term derived from BF Skinner’s behaviorist principles. Positive reinforcement is anything that the subject finds rewarding: early studies used food pigeons, chimpanzeesAnd children. Dr. Arthur Staats developed the time-out procedure as we know it, where “rewards” such as parental attention were temporarily withheld after a child misbehaved.
Research articles who describe the benefits of timeouts usually say that there have been decades of research supporting their effectiveness. It helps control behaviors such as non-compliance and oppositionalityaggression, and shouting or inappropriate vocalizations. Yet this research is largely conducted with exhibiting children terribly serious behavioral problems, and children’s compliance rates are only about 60 percent in some studies.
Do timeouts work?
The short answer is yes, but the whole story is more complicated. Research shows that time-outs can temporarily suppress unwanted behavior, usually in a clinical setting.
However, researchers note that effectiveness often depends on strict adherence to a script procedure. All around 85 percent of the 400 parents Researchers surveyed reported that timeout was implemented in a way that differs from empirically supported methods. Even parents who have undergone extensive training find it challenging to implement timeouts in the way researchers say they should be done.
Timeouts are often used in parenting interventions such as parent-child interaction therapy (PCIT). These programs emphasize positive reinforcement, emotional attunement, and reducing parental commands. It is possible that it is positive practices that are responsible for reduced child misbehavior, and not just timeouts.
Children may also adhere to this out of fear of losing their parents’ approval or affection. This dynamic can undermine trust and create long-term problems such as shame and difficulty standing up for oneself. It appears that the CDC and AAP recommend timeouts primarily because they are less harmful to children than physical punishment. But if we don’t spank our children, there is no evidence that adding timeout is a useful disciplinary strategy.
Are timeouts harmful?
There is no concrete evidence that time-outs are directly harmful to children. But as astronomer Carl Sagan has said, “The absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.”
Researchers who support the use of timeouts note that the reason they work is that parents provide reinforcement such as physical affection, which is critical to the attachment relationship. We know that a few seconds of a parent’s ‘still face’ is disturbing for both of them infants And toddlers. Attachment relationships are important for children’s long-term well-being. But paradoxically, the same researchers advocate temporarily disrupting this attachment to enforce compliance.
Researchers agree that we should not use time-out when children are worried. Drs. Corey Lieneman and Cheryl McNeil Describe an example of a toddler grabbing a candy bar at a supermarket checkout. Mom says “no” and puts the bar back; the toddler throws a tantrum.
Drs. Lieneman and McNeil say a timeout is inappropriate in this case because the child is not old enough to understand why the parent is putting the candy back. If a 7-year-old throws a tantrum in the same situation, there is a time-out would are suitable. The researchers or parents think they know the cause of the tantrum and consider this unreasonable. Yet we do are really not that good bee understanding the feelings of others at the best of times.
What if the 7-year-old has a new brother or sister, his parents are exhausted and overwhelmed, and the child worries that his parents don’t love him anymore? He survived the disruptive environment of the supermarket, grabbed a candy bar, was told ‘no’ and reacted angrily. Dr. Sue Johnson says that anger is primarily a response to being excluded by an attachment figure—a wound that persists in adult relationships.
Essential reading on parenting
Shouldn’t we call this ‘distress’ instead of ‘misconduct’? And if so, why is a timeout an appropriate response?
What is the alternative?
If timeouts aren’t ideal, what can parents do? Research and practical experience show the following:
1. Understand the cause
Misbehavior often stems from unmet needs, such as hunger, fatigue, or emotional problems. Try to understand the underlying reasons, rather than focusing solely on stopping the behavior. For example, if a child is yelling, consider whether they are overwhelmed or needing connection and respond directly to that need.
2. Focus on connection
When children act out, they can signal a need for connection or reassurance. By providing connection in the way the child prefers to receive it, for example through physical affection, play or simply being present, trust and cooperation can be built. This is especially useful for children who are having a hard time with a new brother or sister, a new school or other challenges.
3. Reduce parental commands
Relationship therapists Drs. John and Julie Gottman say that a is needed minimum of five positive interactions for every negative interaction so that a couple feels good in a relationship. That is in a relationship of equals, not one in which one person has much more power than the other. When we have more positive interactions with our children, we often find that our relationship improves and time-out no longer seems appropriate. Learn how to set boundaries effectively– and also setting fewer boundaries – can be a huge help.
4. Facilitate problem solving
Involve your child in finding solutions meet both needs. The child who grabbed the candy bar may have been in need of food, joy, and indulgence, but it could also have been an attempt at connection. Use what you know about the child’s life understand their needs (and your needs too), allowing you to identify strategies to meet both of your needs.
5. Model emotional regulation
Children learn by observing their caregivers. By remaining calm and collected during challenging moments, you teach your child how to manage their own emotions. I know this is easier said than done, but it is possible.
A new way forward
When we think about using time-outs, it’s because we have needs that we don’t understand, and we don’t know why the child is misbehaving. When we understand our needs and our child’s needs, rather than reacting to their behavior, we find strategies to meet both of our needs. We then share with them a deep sense of understanding, cooperation and trust.
Discipline does not have to mean ‘punishment’ or ‘control’. We don’t even have to use the definition of “teaching.” Instead, we build true respect and trust when we model our own emotion regulation and identify ways to meet everyone’s needs. We create connections and collaboration with our children, which makes parenting easier today and helps them develop problem-solving skills that will benefit them throughout their lives.
