By observing the interactions between parents and children and teachers and children, I learned long ago that you can’t make children do anything. We have no power to control them. Our strength lies in how we support and support – how we set the boundaries that give children the opportunity to make good choices: doing homework, putting away their stuff, sitting at the dinner table, persevering in an activity that is scary or challenging.
So in my work with parents and teachers, we never focus on changing the child; we focus on how we can change the situation.
This story about my work with one family shows what this looks like in real life; how parents and teachers worked together to change their approach to supporting a child to overcome their fears and follow important school rules, using the approach that US Women’s Team coach Emma Hayes uses with her players: high expectations, lots of support.
The case
Jodi and Marshall are parents to Oliver, 7, a highly sensitive child who is very self-conscious and avoids any activity that feels performative, such as gym and music or giving a book report to his class at school. Oliver also resists going to birthday parties and a football clinic without his parents. Jodi and Marshall sought advice on how to help Oliver gain more confidence to take risks, face new challenges, and overcome difficult tasks and transitions.
When we first met, Jodi and Marshall had been very accommodating. When Oliver refused to go to a birthday party or football game alone, even though they knew their presence was an obstacle to his full participation in these important social experiences, they stayed. The school also worked on Oliver’s discomfort. He was the only student who did not have to give a book report to the class. When he resisted moving classrooms for different subjects, an assistant brought his work to him; for example, he did math while still in the reading lab. When Oliver refused to go to gym or music, they let him sit in a cozy room at reception and read – a favorite activity.
The outcome
Jodi and Marshall chose to start by resolving the football situation. Although Oliver loves football, the clinics can be uncomfortable for him because they involve performance – a big trigger due to Oliver’s self-consciousness and his worries that he won’t be perfect. We agreed that an important step would be for Jodi and Marshall to no longer remain in the clinics; they were going to rip Oliver off. The reason for this shift was that when they are present, Oliver focuses all his attention on them. He seeks them out to complain about anything, to try to get them to take him home, to ask for anything like a snack or another drink – all of which keeps his attention focused on them and not on participate. Marshall talked to the coach about this new plan to oust Oliver, and asked if he would give Oliver a job to involve him in a positive way – to make this change easier. The coach was game. He told Oliver that he needed him as a helper; that he wanted Oliver to arrive five minutes early to help set up the cones. This turned out to be the key. It made Oliver feel important and special; and it turned out that arriving early made it easier for Oliver to join the group.
Being the first made him feel more comfortable. With this new role, and without mom or dad to save him, Oliver began to participate more and enjoy the clinics. This is a good example of the concept of high expectations, high support approach that I find so useful for children. We want to have high expectations (in this case, having Oliver go to the clinic without mom or dad present), to show that we believe in them, while giving them the support they need to succeed (in this case give him a job so he could see himself as a helper.)
This success with football gave Jodi and Marshall the opportunity to create more opportunities to expose Oliver to challenges they knew he could handle, such as going to birthday parties without them. Jodi said, “A friend from Oliver’s class was having a drop-off party. I wasn’t sure how this would go because he had never had a play date without his parents present and he had never been to this friend’s house. On the way there , he panicked and said I was supposed to let him go. But I knew Oliver would regret it and I would have to physically move him too. But as soon as we got in, he jumped right in in and talked to the child and his father. I left without incident and Oliver wouldn’t leave when I arrived to pick him up.
Look forward to ‘Part Two’, which will show how we resolved the school-related issues without any problems.
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